A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Sam Goldwyn

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
-- Arthur Miller

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
-- Groucho Marx

Killing Space & Filling Time

This page is subject to frequent and arbitrary changes. A whole new world is likely to develop here. Click Here to close this window.

If you have any ideas or material you'd like to see here,
send me e-mail

Don't forget, Life's much too important to be taken seriously.

Programmer's Definition: Endless Loop

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

If you see anything here that violates your copyright, please let me know, and I'll either make payment arrangement with you, or remove the content. Thank you for your support.

Do you suppose the formula for holy water is H2OLY?

 

Copyright explained

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyrirght, which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?(I'll have to ask Steven Wright!)

-- Shelley Herman

(If you really want to know about copyright, try looking here)

 

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM TREES

It's important to have roots.

In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.

Don't pine away over old flames.

If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.

Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.

Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.

If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.

To be politically correct, don't wear firs.

Grow where you're planted.

It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.

Avoid people who would like to cut you down.

Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.

If the party gets boring, just leaf.

You can't hide your true colours as you approach the autumn of your life.

It's more important to be honest than poplar.

RULES TO LIVE BY

for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction

an object at rest tends to stay at rest; an object in motion to stay in motion [in a straight line, unless a force is impressed upon it]

a change in motion is proportional to the motive force impressed and in the same direction as that force (Newton's Laws)

energy can neither be created nor destroyed; it can only change form

a ordered system tends to become more disordered over time
(Laws of Thermodynamics)

whatever can go wrong [eventually] will (Murphy's Law)

sometimes you must take what is offered or nothing at all
(Hobson's Choice)

the simplest solution is usually best (Occam's Razor)


The second law of thermodynamics states that any ordered system tends to become more disordered over time. This explains both ice melting and America Online.


More Rules to live by

1. Give people more than they expect, and do so cheerfully.
2. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you'd like.
3. Don't say, "I love you," unless you really mean it.
4. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
5. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
6. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
7. In disagreements, fight fair. No name calling.
8. Don't judge people by their relatives.
9. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
10. Call your mom.
11. Say, "Bless you," when you hear someone sneeze.
12. Don't let a little squabble damage a good friendship.
13. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
14. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
15. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, good conversation will be one of the principal elements of an enduring relationship.
16. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
17. Read more books, and watch less TV.
18. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
19. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
20. Mind your own business.
21. Trust in God, but lock your car.


LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

Don't go out without ID.

Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Natural Laws

The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkedness
You can't fall off the floor. (or as Dean Martin put it, "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.")

Heller's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. (The way I heard it was, For every government program. . . )

Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house


AMERICAN SEX LAWS ON THE BOOKS

In the quiet town of Connersville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. (Miss Kitty)

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. (Miss Kitty)

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Miss Kitty)

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. (Miss Kitty)

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you or holding you in his arms. (Miss Kitty)

Bozeman, Montana has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if they're nude.(Miss Kitty)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! (Miss Kitty)

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. (Miss Kitty)

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer! (Miss Kitty)

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. (Miss Kitty)

There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has. (dribbleglass.com)

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (Miss Kitty)

However, in Maryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." (Miss Kitty)

In a similar vein, female breasts, according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don't constitute "private parts" under state law. (dribbleglass.com)

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait proximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. (Miss Kitty)

A law in Helena, Montana mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. (lectlaw.com)

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. (Miss Kitty)

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. (Miss Kitty)

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans". (dribbleglass.com)

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" (lectlaw.com)

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. (Miss Kitty)

In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage." (dribbleglass.com)

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (lectlaw.com) [ED: I suppose a dead one is okay, then?]

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. (dribbleglass.com)

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." (dribbleglass.com)

Georgia recently passed a ban on all dildos and vibrators, and still has anti-sodomy laws on the books, which include a ban on oral sex. (fanny666.com)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (dribbleglass.com)

Mississippi is currently debating a new law that would make it illegal for men to get an erection at strip clubs. (fanny666.com) [ED: Yeah! Let's see 'em enforce that one! "Oh damn! now I gotta arrest myself!"]

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session. (lectlaw.com) [ED: apparently this would be redundant. .]

Compiled from various sources


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